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20 January 2006 @ 06:13 pm
Underworld: Evolution  
Director: Len Wiseman
Starring: Kate Beckinsale, Scott Speedman
Rating: 18+
My rating: 3/5

So... Yeah. Remember how it felt when The Matrix: Reloaded came out? That's how I feel about U:E. All the flashiness of the original with none of the cult classic quirkiness. But, you know, Kate in a black cat suit and constantly topless Scott Speedman, what else were we expecting? The plot of the movie is rather simple: Celene and Michael do the sex, then go into Super Sayian Mode, then face off against Marcus the Batty and William the Psycho. And then they live happily ever after and have more sex, I guess.

It's not that I feel like it was wasted time or anything, it was shorter than two hours, after all. Which is very surprising, it felt a lot longer. Not in a bad way, no, I wasn't bored, I just felt that everything that was crammed into it should have taken longer than 2 hours and I'm glad it didn't.

Like all bad sequels, this one pretty much invalidates the original. All that hunting Lucian did for the human descendent of Alexander Corvinus? Apparently not needed, as souped up vampires pop up left and right. And honestly, the last fifteen minutes of the movie you feel you're watching Van Helsing, only without Hugh Jackman to justify it.

Oh and of course, since it's Hollywood, the relationship between Celene and Michael is turned into softcore porn. Kate's and Scott's body doubles are pretty and everything, but like, I have internet at home, Hollywood, I can get porn without paying ten bucks for it.

And don't even try to figure out the geography of this place. Did it seem like kind-of America in the first movie? In this one, the authorities speak some eastern european language, so at first I assumed it's Romania. Then Kate spoke some Russian, and I was like, huh? Then they drove to a seashore and spoke some french and at that point I gave up trying to figure out their location.

On the surface, the movie's timeline is two days and it begins right where the first movie left off. However, I have noticed that after some unsuccessful attempts by Michael to digest potatoes, the movie gives up on the concept that organic and inorganic matter needs fuel to function. All Michael needs is three gulps of blood and some sex and he's good to go like an Energizer Bunny. Celene doesn't even need that, she's just good to go period. I think maybe the vampire mythology underestimates of the potency of human liquids other than bloo... and I just completely grossed myself out. Sorry.

Ok, so why did I give this movie 3 stars? Umm. Kate's pretty.
Professor Fancypants von Deth, Esqdwg on January 21st, 2006 02:57 pm (UTC)
I was thinking the same thing. Specially with the Lycans having a case of the Agents. First movie - Lycans are badass, hard to kill. Second movie, it's open season, and Lycan OS is downloaded into people so there's squillions of Fuzzy Agents to chew on people's heads.

Also, what's with the head-splitting splattery death fetish?

I loved Derek Jacobi's costume. I hated the contact lenses. I loved Amelia's total nothing that she gets in both movies - you know, that look toward camera and a parting of lips so you can see her fangs. I loved the makeup and morphing effects. And as much as I love Marco Beltrami, I wasn't entirely fond of his score. I like the first one better. I want to beat my head in over the filmmakers killing off all potential plot bits from the first movie for this one. And bringing Michael back to life. Really, not everyone has to level up! Gyah. First movie, wayyy better.

As for where it's set - it's Budapest. It's where they filmed the first one, but they tried so hard in that one to make it a City With No Name and all that gorgeous Gothic architecture and the like. The novelisation sets the whole thing in Budapest, and the sequel seems to just pick that up and throw everyone in there without bothering to explain it to people who've only seen the first movie - which you don't actually have to see thanks to the 178 introductions to the sequel. It's reverse LotR.